“We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Bandage”- by Alison Grambs

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Every summer Americans gather ’round the television set to take in the Discovery Channel’s annual broadcast of Shark Week. From hour-long specials on the science of shark behavior (“that shark didn’t mean to eat that entire South African family. It was merely investigating…”) to extensive interviews with attack victims (“Dude! It had eyes as black […]

“Ode to the I-95”- by Alison Grambs

Dear I-95: I want to thank you. For transporting me from one world to another just when I needed it most this summer. You see, it’s been a while since the tires of our Korean-made car have rolled along your smooth skin, and I have to admit I missed the sensation of being with you. All […]

“The Wrong Side of the Road”- by Alison Grambs

“I drive this route all the time,” I hissed defiantly as my husband and I zipped down the golf cart path of our Florida community. “I could make this trip with my eyes closed, thank you very much.” It was, of course, at this precise moment that my husband casually pointed out that I was driving on […]

“SOME PLACE TO BE”- by Alison Grambs

Dear Santa, Sorry to nose in on your time here, fella- I’m sure you’re swamped. Just wondering if we could take care of my wish a bit early this year? Thinking you might have a delinquent elf who needs a project for extra credit to get him out of Detention in one of your North Pole igloos […]

“The Urethra’s Silver Lining”- by Alison Grambs

  “Oh, and by the way, your urine is perfect.” Perfect? I muttered to myself dubiously. Isn’t that going a little far there, Mr. I Wear A Stethoscope So I Look Important? I mean, how many things in this world are truly perfect? And yet, that was precisely what the nurse was telling my husband. “Yeah, your urine is totally perfect, […]

“Was Footloose; Now Friggin’ Frozen”- by Alison Grambs

   To the Radio DJ who just played the theme from ‘Footloose’ and then that ‘Let It Go’ song from ‘Frozen’: What you were thinking following such an awesome and classic anthem of my generation’s youth with that shrieking mess of musical whining? Just when my feet felt as if they would never stop tapping…and […]

“LIVING HISTORY”- by Alison Grambs

 Last year, I was in DC for a few days during a road trip.  Went to the Museum of American History where they were featuring a WWII exhibit.  As people milled about looking at the various displays, I noticed an old man walking around in the cramped quarters.  Small in build, frail. But smiling. Had […]

“Let Go of My Sock, Please”- by Alison Grambs

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  One year ago today, my husband and I lost our furry baby, Bily. He was 11 years old and loved us with all his heart and all eight of his remaining teeth. He was our daredevil companion on every road trip we took, be it via car or motorcycle, traveling all over the country with us […]

“A MESSAGE TO THE CUTE KID”- by Alison Grambs

 Dear Cute Little Girl Sitting Behind Me on the Bus Yesterday: You are an idiot.  I spent 2 1/2 hours listening to you look out the window and say, “Look, Mama! I see cheese!”  Over and over and over again, yammering on about this supposed “cheese” you were seeing.  You have no idea how […]

“Poop In My Pocket”- by Alison Grambs

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When the average person reaches into his or her pocket, out comes a mitten, or some loose change, or maybe a set of keys that was assumed lost forever. I, however, am not your average person. I’m not sure whether that means I am below average, or above average, of course. But if what one finds in their jacket […]

“Mystery Family”- by Alison Grambs

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Dear Family That I’ve Never Met Who Sent Me a Holiday Card: I have no idea who you are, but thank you for sending me that most beautiful holiday card. The family portrait you included is stellar! What a set of genes between the lot of you. And I’m particularly impressed that you were all able […]

“A Tale of Three Wagging Tails”- by Alison Grambs

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As I type this, I’m sitting on a wobbly stool in my new Manhattan apartment, watching my laptop get gnawed on by a four month-old puppy with teeth that rival those of a Great White shark in both size and strength. I should be appalled at the sight of my computer being masticated by this pooch; but I’m not. […]