Archive for the ‘Complicating It All’ Category

“TO THE FRUIT CART GUY ON MY CORNER”

“TO THE FRUIT CART GUY ON MY CORNER”

by Alison Grambs

Dear Mr. Fruit Cart Guy On My Corner:

I do not know how old you are.
I do not know from what country you hail.  
I do not know whether you are married or single, straight or gay.
I do not know where you live.
I do not know if you have children.
I do not know whether you own a dog, or a cat, or a ferret.
I do not know where you get your fruit.
I do not know where you go when you need to pee.
I do not know if you use mousse or spray-on gel to get that Elvis-like wave in your hair.
I do not know what drives you to put blueberries on sale one day (2 cartons for $5) and strawberries on sale the next (2 cartons for $ 4)

Shit.

I do not even know your name.

But I do know this:

I know you have quietly become part of my daily life.
I know you make sure I smile every morning when I leave for work.
I know you make sure I smile every night when I come home.
I know you never run out of anything – or if you do – you apologize profusely.
I know you are there for me through the hottest of days, and the coldest of nights.
I know you always pet my dog, even when he rudely lifts his leg on your milk crate.
I know you care that your strawberries are fresh.
I know you care that your avocados are ripe.
I know you never snap at my old bitty neighbors who poke at your produce and then don’t buy anything.
I know your shopping bags make great garbage bags for my kitchen waste basket.
I know you sometimes give me 5 bananas for $ 1 even though your sign says, “4 bananas for a $1”.
I know you’ve saved me embarrassment at many a dinner party when I ran out of lettuce for the salad, or mushrooms for the soup, or cantaloupe for the dessert.
I know you are a decent man because you always tell me I look pretty, even when I don’t.

No, Mr. Fruit Cart Guy On My Corner,  
I do not know how you came to choose my corner.
Or why you stay on my corner so faithfully.
(There are an awful lot of corners in this big city of ours.)

But I do know I’m real glad you’re there.

“Les Hamburgers in the City of Light and Strikes and Floods”

Comments Off on “Les Hamburgers in the City of Light and Strikes and Floods”

IMG 0908

Les Hamburgers in the City of Light and Strikes and Floods

by Alison Grambs

It was hard not to take it personally.

The moment my mother and I stumbled off the plane onto Parisian soil this past June, the city was getting away from itself in a most unusual way.

Too-close-for-comfort terrorism alerts were being issued to Americans traveling to France. Torrential and relentless downpours of rain were pummeling the streets. The Seine was flooding to a historic level. A strike by transit workers and airport employees was looming. Unseasonably cold temperatures were forcing us to forego wearing the Paris-style fashions we had dreamily packed in our matching luggage sets. And, in an emergency act of protecting its antiquities from drowning, the Louvre had the nerve to close its doors – literally as we were arriving at the ticket booth – rendering us unable to so much as snap a prized selfie of us surrounded by hundreds of other tourists snapping selfies of themselves snapping selfies with Ms. Mona Lisa.

Frankly, the City of Light was looking more like the City of Uh-Oh, and I’m fairly certain my mother wanted to cry. After all, this was the highly-anticipated mother-daughter trip she’d been planning for a year now. A vacation to celebrate our triumphant survival through a previous year of abysmal woes. A vacation that had already been postponed once and had a lot riding on it emotionally and spiritually. A vacation that, at this point, seemed would have been better spent in the Bahamas. Or Trenton, New Jersey.

It was a hunk of meat that turned things around for Mom and me.

After an arduous day of observing the architectural wonders of Paris through the nylon of our half-broken parapluies – navigating rather crookedly and grumpily through soaked streets with our equally soaked map – we were feeling lost and dejected. None of the plans we had set forth were working out. We were feeling quite the traveling failures. And starving to boot because, somehow, in a city defined by its cuisine and dotted with myriad cafes and bistros, we had managed to forget to eat for twelve hours. So, we dipped into a hole-in-the-wall eatery next door to our understated hotel and were confronted with an alarmingly limited chalkboard menu. Once again defeatedly, we ordered the only entree we could decipher with our Rosetta Stone vocabulary: Le Hamburger.

547649 wine serving“Sounds so Frauuuuuunch, doesn’t it?” my mother and I snorted in mocking unison – laughing for the first time that day as we waited for our presumably un-French food to arrive. The dig was directed at ourselves; two women who had been so sure they’d been dining on frogs legs and snails and steak tartare. Such delicacies had so far eluded us. Mere pipe dreams now. All we wanted to do was shove something down our gullets and go to bed to sleep until our flight the following week.

The jovial owner, a man with a slightly rounded belly and doughy face, brought us wine. Neither of us drinks, per se, so to be honest, those two glasses could have been filled to the brim with Tang, and Mom and I would have gulped it down with delight. But it was the gesture that we noted.

“Red or white?” he had asked us sweetly en français.

“I think we’re supposed to drink red with meat, non?” my mother had replied, sheepishly employing her best Rosetta Stone French speaking skills. After a day of taking wrong turns and wrong buses and wrong trains, she just wanted to get one damn thing right. “Is that what you recommend, Monsieur?”

“Yes,” I had added for emotional support in my best Rosetta Stone French. “Please provide whatever you think is best. Pretty much everything that could go wrong has gone wrong for us today. We cannot be trusted to make such an important decision. We are idiots.”

The owner had smiled genially, shooing away our self-consciousness with a swift wave of his hand in the air. Then he had disappeared behind the bar only to reappear with two bottles of wine. One white. One red. “Vous boire ce que vous voulez boire,” he had declared with a warm smile. “Qu’est-ce qui vous rend heureux!”

Then, realizing from the twisted expressions on our fatigued faces that we had no idea what he had just said, the owner had repeated his declaration in perfect English. “You drink what you want to drink. What makes you happy!”

And there it was. In one fell swoop, this lovely stranger had given my mother and me permission to relax. To go easy on ourselves. To enjoy.

IMG 1098And enjoy we did. Les hamburgers arrived a few moments later. Outfitted on buns so perfectly toasted, doused in a sauce so superbly balanced in both seasoning and consistency, and garnished with a side of potatoes-something so glorious that it redefined the words pomme de terre, it was as if these magical mounds of meat had been touched by the hand of God. Mom and I groaned with delight as we took in bite after bite. Who knew hamburgers could be life-changing? We asked the owner to extend our compliments to the chef… who, as it turned out, was him.

For a good two hours my mother and I sat at that hole-in-the-wall restaurant. Sipping our red wine, sipping our white wine, feasting on our very French hamburgers, and enjoying. Enjoying despite the terrorism alerts. Enjoying despite the torrential downpours. The Seine flooding, the looming strikes, the unseasonably chilly air. And from that night forward, my mother and I enjoyed every inch of Paris, delightedly exploring all corners of the City of Light and Floods and Strikes. If there was a Metro line to explore, we explored it. If there was a water-logged street to stroll, we strolled it. If there was an architectural site to admire, we admired it. If there was a local to chat up, we chatted him/her up. And yes, we even got to eat frogs legs and snails and steak tartare.

Despite the odds, the trip my mother had dreamed would be the mother-daughter trip of a lifetime proved to be exactly that: the mother-daughter trip of a lifetime. The only thing we didn’t get to do was visit the Louvre, which remained closed for the duration of our stay. (Apparently, that sulky Mona Lisa chick is a scaredy-cat when it comes to a little water.) But we took one heck of an awesome selfie with les hamburgers!

Originally Published at http://oneforthetable.com/Paris/les-hamburgers-in-the-city-of-light-and-strikes-and-floods.html

“Take Your Lunch Or I Will Gut You Like A Fish”- Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop

Comments Off on “Take Your Lunch Or I Will Gut You Like A Fish”- Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop

“Take Your Lunch Or I Will Gut You Like A Fish”

by Alison Grambs

 

They say the secret to a happy marriage is communication.

Well, tonight I am communicating with my husband through a note I have taped to the medicine chest in our bathroom.  It reads:

Take your lunch or I will gut you like a fish.

Now, you saps out there might assume I left this note as secret code for, “Meet me tonight in our bedroom. I’ll be wrapped in cellophane dipped in honey.”

But you’d be wrong.

For when I wrote, “Take your lunch or I will gut you like a fish,” I meant exactly that. “Take your lunch or I will gut you like a fish.

My only regret is not placing a comma in between the words lunch and “or.  Such a sloppy grammatical error will undoubtedly incline my alma mater to rescind my degree.  But other than that, this note reads precisely as I intended.

Why would I leave such a note for my sweet husband?

Because in the hour Tommy spends preparing for his day — burdened by no responsibilities other than getting himself clean and dressed — this otherwise brilliant man demonstrates the mental capacity of a turnip.

You see, in an effort to help him eat better, and reduce our expenses, I’ve kindly agreed to prepare homemade lunches for Tommy. Mind you, with no children of our own (at least none that I know of) I’m not much of a domestic. So, such a task is challenging for me. And yet, I do it.

These lunches are tasty.  Carefully engineered to meet Tommy’s finicky needs, containing at least one half of one third of one of the six major food groups.  They are prepared with love, despite my own exhaustion from working night and day writing the next Mediocre American Novel.  Through fogged contact lenses and intermittent yawns, I stumble around our kitchen each night like a crystal meth addict who’s used up her last stash, banging into countertops and fumbling over the stove — all so I can make my husband lunch. I even include real silverware with the meals, so Tommy’s tender mouth doesn’t have to chew on plastic, and hand-drawn maps so he can locate the special treats I’ve hidden at the bottom of his favorite R2-D2 lunch box.

How does my husband repay me for my efforts?

By forgetting to take his lunch. Every friggin’ day.

Are you cheating on my lunches with Wok n Roll?” I text him after going into the fridge the next morning only to see R2-D2 staring back at me.

Its not you, its me, Tommy assures me, launching into some concocted defense about how he gets ‘confused’ in the morning, and ‘cant find the kitchen.

But you had no trouble finding the computer to go on e-Bay and purchase a replica of Princess Leia in her slave bikini…” I argue back.

It is usually at this point in the conversation that Tommy claims he’s suddenly caught on fire and has to shut off his phone.

But tonight?  The madness stops.

Dear Husband: I may have sworn, under oath, to love you. But nowhere in my vows did I swear not to eviscerate you.  Read the fine print, pal. It’s “until death do us part.” So, when you head out tomorrow morning, ready to take on the world, do yourself a favor and remember to take the lunch I made for you with such love.

… Or I will gut you like a fish.

Originally Published at http://humorwriters.org/2014/03/07/take-lunch-will-gut-like-fish/

“The Biker and the Flag” in the “NY Times”

Comments Off on “The Biker and the Flag” in the “NY Times”

Stories From A Stricken Land

“The Biker and the Flag”

by Alison Grambs

To the Editor:

I was waiting for the bus on East 57th Street on Wednesday evening, the day after the terrorist attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. The city was eerily quiet, and I could find no reason to smile as I stood alone thinking of all that had happened to America in a few short hours.

Then I heard the rumble of a motorcycle approaching the intersection at Park Avenue. The rider was cloaked in a black leather jacket and full face helmet, a phantom of sorts on the deserted street. On the rear of his motorcycle hung two tiny American flags, the kind that one buys at a Memorial Day parade. Each glowed a faint red from the taillight that shone between them.

As he waited for the traffic light to change, the rider reached behind his back and carefully straightened out the Stars and Stripes on each of those tiny American flags. Then he revved the engine and sped off. It was at that moment I realized that yes, America will prevail.

Originally Published at https://www.nytimes.com/2001/09/14/opinion/l-stories-of-a-stricken-city-and-a-grieving-land-the-biker-and-the-flag-180556.html

“The Smart Girl’s Guide To Getting Even”- DAILY NEWS Excerpt

Comments Off on “The Smart Girl’s Guide To Getting Even”- DAILY NEWS Excerpt

Smart Girls Guide to Getting Even

“The Smart Girl’s Guide To Getting Even”

If you spend too much time saying yes when you want to say no, do things you don’t want to do just to please your friends, and feel like a total pushover, then you need to follow the Smart Girl’s Guide to Getting Even. Yes, it’s payback time! From difficult situations with the office jerk to the treacherous world of best-friend-stealing gal pal, it’s time to settle the score (and have a few laughs along the way) with everyone who has ever done you wrong.

Love: MR. SEXUALLY AMBIGUOUS

This creature is a walking dichotomy. He is traditionally “manly” in that he holds the door for you, but “unmanly” in that he expresses no interest in sports. He’s incredible in bed, but logs more time at the manicure salon than you do. Your mother tells you you’re lucky to have a guy with such a flair for designing window treatments, and your friends are jealous of your modern, metrosexual boyfriend, who always looks and smells fabulous. You know you should be thrilled, but sometimes you can’t help but wonder … is he gay?
Often heard saying: “Do these jeans make me look fat?”
It’s revenge time: The key to handling Mr. Sexually Ambiguous is to suppress his feminine side as best you can. Remind him that he has testicles, not breasts.

THE SUBTLE APPROACH
Disorderly conduct: Sneak into Mr. Sexually Ambiguous’ dresser drawer and wreak havoc on his organizational system. Crumple up his shirts, mismatch his Polo socks, and – gasp! – un-color-coordinate his tie collection. The first step toward making him a real man is forcing him to live like a slob.

THE NOT-SO-SUBTLE APPROACH
Somewhere over the rainbow: Tape over Mr. Sexually Ambiguous’ Judy Garland movie marathon with something really manly, like the Super Bowl or NASCAR.

THE YOU’RE-GOING-TO-HELL APPROACH
The walk-in closet: Lock Mr. Sexually Ambiguous in the closet and ask him when he wants to “come out.” This doesn’t really serve any purpose, but it sure is funny, right?

The Office: THE CHAUVINIST PIG

This jerk spends his day ogling your breasts, mocking women’s sport teams and hanging posters of bikini-clad women straddling Corvettes all over the office. He laughs if you try to lift a pencil without assistance and audibly scoffs at any professional success you achieve because he believes it can only be the direct result of sexual favors, not hard work.
Often heard saying: “Nice rack.”
It’s revenge time:Nothing ruins the Chauvinist Pig’s day more than a woman in power. And you, Smart Girl, have all the power. All you have to do is learn how to use it and abuse it.

THE SUBTLE APPROACH
Won’t you join us? Sign up the Chauvinist Pig for e-mail alerts from Oprah’s Web site. There are just so many times this neanderthal can receive invitations to Oprah’s Web forum on “America’s Most Powerful Women” without giving his sexist philosophy some second thoughts.

THE NOT-SO SUBTLE APPROACH
Yes sir, ma’am: Keep calling him “Miss” by accident. If you do this enough, the Chauvinist Pig will begin to wonder if it’s something he’s doing wrong.

THE YOU’RE-GOING-TO-HELL APPROACH
Happy birthday! Hire a male she-stripper for the Chauvinist Pig’s birthday party. Then videotape the lap dance and broadcast it on the Internet. Send a copy to his mother, too … and his poker buddies … oh, and his preacher.

The Social Parasite: OBSERVED BEHAVIOR IN NATURAL HABITAT

You throw a little party at your house and invite a select group of friends. Before you know it, not only has all the onion dip been devoured but the Social Parasite has crashed the gig and homed in on all your pals. Rather than going out and getting her own friends, she simply exchanges phone numbers and e-mail addresses with your friends. And soon she’s road-tripping to Canada with your best friend … without you.
Often heard saying: “Oh, I meant to invite you. Must have just forgot. Sorry.”
It’s revenge time:When dealing with the Social Parasite it is essential that you block every attempt she makes to socialize with your people. Get in her way like a roadblock on a highway. (But no need to wear that ugly yellow tape stuff … that’ll just look stupid on you.)

THE SUBTLE APPROACH
The good, the bad and the really fugly: Begin socializing only with people who have disgusting skin problems and facial ticks, problems controlling their bodily functions and bad breath. This way the Social Parasite won’t be so inclined to pick from your crop. Or borrow your lip gloss for that matter.

THE NOT-SO-SUBTLE APPROACH
Crazy for you: Introduce the Social Parasite to your “new best friend” and suggest they begin hanging out together. What she doesn’t know is that this new friend is a complete psycho with serious separation anxiety issues.

THE YOU’RE-GOING-TO-HELL APPROACH
Les-bi-friends: Whenever you see the Social Parasite moving in on one of your girlfriends, pull your girlfriend aside and explain that the Social Parasite is an aggressive lesbian who doesn’t take no for an answer.

Originally Published at http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/smart-girl-guide-article-1.210194

“To the Creep Who Pushed Me” in “Metropolitan Diary, NY Times”

Comments Off on “To the Creep Who Pushed Me” in “Metropolitan Diary, NY Times”

To the Creep Who Pushed Me

by Alison Grambs

Dear Diary:

To the Creep Who Pushed Me On the Street:

You may think you won today.

But you didn’t.

You may think that you intimidated me with that glare you gave me as I sat stunned on the ground.

But you didn’t.

You may think you’re tough. That hurting a woman who did nothing to you but accidentally bump into you on a crowded street somehow makes you Lord of the Streets now.

But you would be wrong.

This is New York City, pal. To survive the chaos, each of us has to decide which kind of New Yorker we want to be: the kind who deals with the crowds politely, or the kind who resorts to violence. You chose aggression, finding joy in making someone else feel weak. Vulnerable. Perhaps, you were having a bad day? Well, Mr. Creep, a lot of people are having even worse days. And yet, none of those people are going around hurting others.

I bet you’re at home right now smirking to yourself because you scared a woman today. Shame on you. But if you think I’m at home right now loving N.Y.C. any less because of you, you would be wrong.

About 20 blocks after you shoved me, I had another encounter. This time a woman accidentally bumped into me. But here’s the difference, Mr. Creep. I didn’t shove her to the ground or curse at her. Instead, I just stepped aside and gave her a wide smile.

Guess what?

She smiled back.

I win, Mr. Creep. I win.

Originally Published at https://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/10/07/to-the-creep-who-pushed-me/?module=BlogPost-Title&version=Blog%20Main&contentCollection=Metropolitan%20Diary&action=Click&pgtype=Blogs&region=Body

“Born to Ride, Not To Draw”

Comments Off on “Born to Ride, Not To Draw”

We took our new motorcycle out for its first official spin in Manhattan this week. Here is a souvenir sketch of our experience!

DISCLAIMER:

My husband just reviewed my sketch.

He says that my artistic rendering of our new (old) Ural motorcycle is not at allrealistic‘…

Something about how the ‘dimensions of the sidecar are completely off ‘ and there ‘appears to be no pavement whatsoever beneath the bike.’

He also says that…

My artistic rendering makes his neck look ‘freakishly absent’ when, in fact, he has ‘a terrifically present and well-defined’ neck in real life.

He also says that…

According to my artistic rendering, I traveled on our new old motorcycle with my head on the outside of the windshield rather than the inside of it which apparently qualifies as, ‘improper motorcycle passenger seating behavior’…a violation for which I should be ‘ticketed and drawn and quartered in accordance with the law…’

He also says that…

In this drawing of mine, his right kneecap ‘appears to be oddly disjointedand thereby, is an inarguable ‘mocking‘ of the knee surgery he had years ago which makes me ‘a mean wife‘.

He also says that…

‘failed to properly represent the ‘dimensions of the face shields and presence of built-in sunglasses’ on both our helmets, which, ‘by the way, Mean Wifey,’ do not look ‘at all DOT approved…”

He also says that…

The tire on the right side of the sidecar is ‘obscenely lopsided’ and, as such, would ‘never be approved during inspection’ and that he ‘resents‘ the implication that my picture implies thatsomeone’ forgot to adjust the air pressure in the tires ‘when, in fact, you know damn well I did all of that because I’m a mechanic.”

He also says that…

The city skyline in my drawing suggests that our new old bike is larger, ‘both vertically and horizontally’, than the Empire State Building…

To which I am now replying…

“That’s not supposed to be the Empire State Building, you IDIOT! It’s the Chrysler Building! Duh!”

A reply to which said Idiot is now replying with…

“We didn’t ride anywhere near the Chrysler Building, you Idiot! And you know that if you hadn’t been so busy fighting with that pigeon!”

To which I am now replying…

“Oooops.”